Goodbye, Imposter Syndrome. Hello, Confident Writer.
How I quieted my inner critic enough to publish a book
Seven years ago, I started writing a book. Seven months ago, that book was finally published. I chose to self-publish for many reasons, though tracking my book sales on Amazon, I can’t help but wonder if that was a wise decision. My total book sales are one notch above depressing: 187.
Also, my mom accounts for a good share of those 187.
What is remarkable about this number is not that it is low — most self-published books on Amazon barely sell — but that this number does not make me feel low. My bank account is understandably disappointed, but the rest of me is surprisingly upbeat. There is no inner voice whispering, “See? No one wants to read your book. You have failed as a writer.”
For the first several decades of my life, that voice would not shut up. It kept me from writing, from submitting my stories to magazines, and from finishing the book I had tinkered on for years. My biggest fear was that I would publish a book, and no one would read it. That fear has now basically materialized, but instead of feeling sad, the only voice I hear inside sounds like Buddy the Elf.
“You did it! You wrote a book! I’m SO proud of you. I mean, it’s not as good as MY book about a human elf who finds his dad in Manhattan, but it’s still very good!”
Several online polls report that roughly 80% of people say they would like to write a book someday. Yet only 3% ever end up writing one. Sure, some of that massive dropoff has to do with the massive amount of time and energy required. But I suspect the bigger reason is that most people secretly fear their book won’t be any good, that no one will care to read it.
We have many different names for this fear. Imposter Syndrome. Inferiority Complex. Low Self-Confidence. Feeling ‘not good enough’ in some way is practically a staple of the human condition.
I actually wrote about this in my book, which is called Lost & Found: A Memoir & Compass for Anyone in Search of More Love, Happiness & Meaning.
In chapter 4 I describe this amusing Venn diagram that has circulated around the internet forever, even predating the advent of cat memes:
It’s a simple yet powerful insight into the minds of writers, artists, musicians and creators of all kinds. The messy creative process of birthing something entirely new into the world is riddled with highs and lows. Moments of intense clarity when you feel like you are a genius, followed by paralyzing bouts of struggle when you feel like a complete fraud who should probably give up and start all over again (or never again).
Sometimes both stages grip you simultaneously, genius and fraud, making you wonder if you are going crazy — not a wholly unwelcome prospect since some legendary artists were certifiably nuts.
If you are unsure whether you are personally afflicted with Imposter Syndrome, simply try to write a book. Insecurities you didn’t even know you had will arise. (Am I boring? Long-winded? Wait, do I use too many metaphors or not enough?)
It is worth noting that this inferiority thing affects far more than just the creative class. Virtually everybody harbors some form of I’m Not Good Enough or I Don’t Belong Here, whether it pertains to confidence at work, school, hobbies, or in their relationships (or lack thereof).
There is a useful, healthy level of self-awareness where you acknowledge that there are ways you could improve your job skills, your study habits, or your attentiveness as a loving partner. I used to operate far below this healthy level, constantly berating my looks, my work performance, and of course, my writing abilities. It was like my Absolute Narcissism circle was tiny, and the Crippling Self-Doubt one was enormous.
So what changed? How did I go from chronic inferiority to enough confidence to publish a book full of deeply personal stories and self-proclaimed wisdom?
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. I employed a special blend of techniques that all happen to start with the letter E: energy of ‘have’, emotional honesty, and exposure therapy.
The Energy of ‘Have’
This is a close cousin of manifesting what you want to attract into your life, but rather than being in the energy of wanting that thing, you tap into the energy of already having it.
This isn’t just semantics. The energy of want is needy, desperate, and lacking. The energy of have is complete, confident, abundant.
While writing my book, I regularly visualized it completed, existing in the real world as a printed paperback. With closed eyes, I could feel the weight of it in my hands, hear its pages turn, smell its new-book scent. I pictured what the cover might look like, and then a whole stack of my books on a table in a bookstore.
How did it feel to envision this? I could feel joy and excitement. I would allow the sights and sounds to dissipate while sitting with these feelings. Experiencing the energy of joy and excitement in the present moment.
Many spiritual teachers say that we do not actually move toward the future. We stand still as the future comes to us. Accessing the energy of have in the present moment is one way to pull your desired future toward you.
One time while I was accessing this state of already having a published book, a vision popped into my mind seemingly out of nowhere: a reader walked up to me and asked me to sign her newly purchased copy of my book. As I imagined signing my name on the title page, real tears filled my eyes. I felt pride and gratitude for my accomplishment, for my book’s potential to help others. These were not some imagined future feelings. I could genuinely feel them in the present, in this energy of already having my desired future outcome.
Even if you only spend a few minutes a day in the state of have, this technique can yield powerful results over time. It is relatively easy to access the state, but notice how easy or hard it is for you to stay in that state without your mind or body distracting you. If you find it hard to remain in the energy of already having what you want, you might need some emotional honesty.
Emotional Honesty
Writing my book turned out to be the easier part. After I finished writing and editing, I spent nearly a year using elaborate excuses and stalling tactics to delay its publication.
At the rational level, I was feeding myself lots of logical sounding reasons for why I couldn’t publish yet: I was busy with more time-sensitive projects / Other people needed me to work on other things, whereas my book was not urgently needed / Maybe I should tweak my book cover design for the hundredth time…
Eventually I realized that these reasons were mostly bullshit, to use a refined, literary term. I was lying to myself. The real reason I had not published the book yet? Deep down I didn’t want to.
At the conscious level I wanted to be a published author more than anything, but subconsciously I felt a strong emotional resistance. Deep down I actually wanted to hide, to remain safe and anonymous, rather than to vulnerably reveal my story to the world.
There are many effective techniques you can use to uncover such emotional blindspots. Meditation, hypnotherapy, and EFT (tapping) are ones that worked for me. When done right, they can all process your unconscious emotions without you even needing to understand what’s happening at the conscious level.
You can also ask an intuitive friend or loving partner to be brutally honest with you, if you are truly ready to face your shadows. Underneath all the techniques, here is the required task:
- Let go of the thoughts, reasons or excuses you are telling yourself (and likely others). They are not real or important.
- Allow yourself to feel the emotion underneath that you would prefer not to feel. Drop the explanation of why you are feeling it. Simply notice the feeling, fully accept it, and let it express itself. Eventually it will move, as all e-motion is built to move.
Over the course of several months, I confronted my resistance toward publishing. I was surprised to discover waves of anger, fear, sadness, annoyance, and apathy. I even dreamed of dragging my 60,000-word book draft file into the little trash icon on my laptop.
Eventually these darker feelings gave way to true excitement. I remembered that I didn’t write the book for me. I wrote all those words for whoever needs to hear them. And what is the only way the words can be heard?
Exposure Therapy
I am not a therapist or mental health professional, but I find this topic fascinating and have read several books about exposure therapy. It has shown success at curbing OCD symptoms and alleviating certain phobias. Like the name suggests, it essentially means exposing yourself to the very situations that you fear, on purpose. (In clinical cases, the exposure is carefully monitored.)
In my case, I was genuinely scared of publishing my book. Not a life threatening issue, but an increasingly frustrating one.
Psychological fears generally fall into one of three categories: Fear of Uncertainty/The Unknown, Fear of Failure, Fear of Judgment. The thought of publishing my book brought up all three. Since I had never published a book before, I had no clue what would happen after it was “out there” (Uncertainty). I also worried that the book would be a giant flop (Failure) and that the few people who did read it would hate it (Judgment).
The best way to tackle all three fears in one fell swoop? Just publish the darn thing already! Expose it to the world. And so I did, in late August of 2023. Like an imagined monster hiding under the bed, the reality was not nearly as frightening.
I was touched by the immediate support from friends and acquaintances. Dozens of people bought it on Amazon, and no one demanded their money back after reading. Some even liked it enough to purchase extra copies to gift to their own friends.
The reviews and feedback I received made me cry. “It feels like it was written for me.”
“This book has given me inspiration, hope, light and laughter after a year so dark I thought everything was lost.”
“Thank you for the immeasurable gifts you have given me.”
To my 187 readers and any future readers I am meant to ‘have’, thank you for the immeasurable gifts you have given me. I leave you with an excerpt from my book:
Above all, remember that you are not alone. There are far more of us crippled by self-doubt than there are absolute narcissists. And somewhere in the middle is the beautiful art or music or stories you are meant to share with the world. Because channeling your own struggles and insecurities into something that helps others feel better — that is the purest form of genius.
***My book is available in paperback and e-book on Amazon in most countries. (I shortened my last name to Polsky as a pen name that is easier to pronounce)
