Why certain stuff always seems to happen to you
As a restless gal who travels like it’s her job (if only), I’ve noticed some amusing cosmic patterns over the years. Here are eight laws that seem to govern our womanly existence as we explore the world:
- THE LAW OF INOPPORTUNE PERIODS
Whenever biologically possible, your period shall deviate from its regularly scheduled cycle, starting early or late so it can better coincide with your surf camp / yoga retreat / Tahitian getaway.
My period LOVES to travel. I’ve had ’em start on airplanes, cruise ships, and without fail, during any outing that involves bikini attire. (The Google results for “is it safe to go diving near sharks while on your period?” are neither conclusive nor reassuring.)
2. THE LAW OF INOPPORTUNE TURBULENCE
When you’re on a flight of any duration that’s been completely smooth thus far — we’re talking a ride so steady that one could perform open heart surgery at 30,000 feet if the need arose — the minute you get up to pee — nay, the exact moment you begin peeing in that cramped closet they call a bathroom, a sudden gust of turbulence will sweep through the cabin.
It will be so unexpected that the pilot will not even have turned on the seatbelt sign yet. Hence why you’re not IN your seat but caught with your pants down, locked in a Spartan test of balance, bladder control and squat stamina. The timing is so utterly inconvenient that it can’t be mere coincidence. And it’s not. The universe is providing a real-world application for all those quad-quivering barre classes we torment ourselves with.
Of course the moment you return to your seat, the turbulence stops.
3. THE LAW OF REVERSE GRAVITY
The backup tampon you last spotted near the bottom of your bag weeks ago will instantly float to the top in the event of you trying to flirt with someone…